I can Aha Parent too

Today, dear readers, I present you with my own Aha Parenting blog post:

So guys, today was a great day! I figured out the trick to keeping the kids happy at home. All you have to do is:

• Get a good night’s sleep (easy, not like there’s any reason you shouldn’t sleep soundly right now) so you can
• Have MORE energy than the kids. They respond well to energy. If you want them to do something, say it’s in the other room and make them chase you there. They’ll be on top of you like white on rice. You can do this all day long, right?
• Break up every fight the instant you smell a whiff of conflict. I’ve found that if you can nip it in the bud, it’s much easier. All you have to do is intervene early enough and work out a compromise. Kids are great at compromise! No they aren’t!
• Have a whole day of interesting activities planned out, and keep them hopping from one to the next fast enough so that they don’t have time to get bored. Oh, but also, be prepared to jettison the entire thing when they decide they’d rather eat Pirate’s Booty in your bed and empty all the dresser drawers instead. And don’t be offended when your expensively honed graduate teaching skills are seen as less compelling than farting and spitting.
• Don’t even bother trying to videocall anyone. They’ll forget any language they ever knew, run out of the picture, scream and fight, and eat boogers. You were better off with the crumbs in bed.
• Be a gourmet chef, and churn out four different requested meals every 90 minutes that will then be rejected in favor of Cheez-Its, pickles, or canned oranges.
• Avoid power struggles. I.e., just give them what they want. Just give it to them! I don’t care anymore!
• Let them watch TV half the day. Seriously, it’s the best.